A different kind of motherhood community.

My goal was to breast feed for her first year. With the closing of this chapter, I am equal parts relieved and very very sad. I didn't expect breastfeeding to be so hard. From the very early days, little girl and I struggled. She had oral motor challenges that we didn't figure out until 6 weeks in and resulted in very painful latching. And post-partum hormones led to significant feeding anxiety on my end. That combined with a very fussy baby (sometimes hungry, other times not) meant that breastfeeding was not the awe-inspiring connection-led experience I was led to believe on social media. For me or my child. I never felt like I was failing more as a mom than when I was unable to feed my baby. It took two months to get in a good rhythm with my daughter. And then the wiggles threw off our game completely. That combined with going back to work and pumping meant my supply was never quite enough for her. As we neared month 6, I was having a lot of anxiety again and realized I needed to let breastfeeding go - for my own mental and physical health. I realized my daughter needed a happy, healthy mom more than she needed to be fully breastfed. I took my time with weaning and let one feeding stay (the early mornings were always so peaceful for us). But I'm at that point where I can tell she's not getting much so in a day or so, she will be formula baby. I wanted my breastfeeding journey to feel beautiful and connected and wonderful. And it wasn't. I've let go of that perfect picture and I'm proud of what I was able to do for my daughter.

When they were little, the days were emotionally rich with laughter and tears every day, and in those years we could usually fix things when they were unhappy. Then they had this wonderful balanced time in the middle years of childhood when they were generally happy most of the time. Then the hormones - and the worst part was I couldn't fix what was making them unhappy, and I felt like I often made it worse. Now they are adults, and again more balanced emotionally. But not always happy. And that's the biggest thing I want for them. Now sometimes I can help with a sympathetic ear or words of support, but I can't fix it. Their happiness is their own to discover and create. They are certainly navigating their lives well and seem far ahead of where I was at their ages, and I've come to learn happiness is not a steady state. So the cycles are normal. But the mom in me just still wants them to be happy all the time.

Which is an amazing thing, but I love our closeness. I can already feel now and see how much bigger he's getting and it's really putting into perspective how fleeting this time really is. So, just trying to pause in the hard moments right now and soak in this specific season of life has been challenging, especially on the days where work is exhausting and I am running on less sleep than usual. They say the days are long and the years are short and in short, that's what I'm feeling right now.